A hard-to-read sentence in a newspaper article
The quotation below is a sentence from an AP article about J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series. It was written by Jill Lawless, a busy foreign correspondent whose editor should have intervened here, but didn't.
Just try reading this aloud.
Rowling (her name rhymes with bowling, rather than howling), looking relaxed in jeans and a sweater, shoulder-length blonde hair stylishly cut, has wildly mixed emotions at leaving behind the character she conjured up during a train journey across England in 1990: a neglected, bespectacled orphan who learns on his 11th birthday that he is a wizard.
If I were her editor, that long sentence would have been broken into two sentences. I would have slightly reworded it to get rid of two awkward phrases and an adjective that looks better than it sounds. The result would be something like this:
Rowling, whose name rhymes with bowling, looked relaxed in jeans and a sweater, shoulder-length blonde hair stylishly cut. She has wildly mixed emotions at leaving behind the character she conjured up during a 1990 train journey across England: a neglected orphan with spectacles who learns on his 11th birthday that he is a wizard.
Isaac says, "Well, Mom, your version's not as journalistic." Maybe not, but it's easier to read. He does have a point, though. I'm not a journalist. I'm just a woman with a blog.
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You aren't just a blogger. You are a writer. Writing is a craft. Its aim is clarity and communication. Thank you for practicing the craft of writing everyday.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Collagemama. So are you, by the way. Thanks for reminding me.
ReplyDeleteI vote for your version. You are one of best writers in blogland. I like your style - typically short and compact posts with great photos.
ReplyDeleteRunaway, I always am afraid that my posts ramble on and become far too long! As for photos -- I am REALLY HOPING to get my computer out of the shop tomorrow so I can post a photo again! I can't get photos to upload from this computer I've been using. I think it's just so slow, with an old modem and a dial-up connection, that it times out before it completes the upload.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure Jill's first language isn't German? The example sentence would be just right for Teutonic grammarians.
ReplyDeleteI know a cat that takes in editing, like ladies used to take in ironing.
You may be just a woman with a blog (although I don't believe that) but you write better than the foreign correspondent.
ReplyDeleteGenevieve, I thought I left a comment here a couple of days ago, but I guess it didn't take. Anyway, I agree: your revision is far better. The original tries to juggle too many unrelated elements. Do you think the writer tried hearing the original sentence in her head? I doubt it.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I read YOU is because you are a GREAT writer! Your writing is clear, concise, interesting and uncluttered. (I used to work for a newspaper and bad writing drives me nuts)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments, everyone.
ReplyDeletePTG, you must have had some experience with German. I can say one thing about German after my own experience with it -- it was not as easy a language to pick up as Spanish was.