A hard-to-read sentence in a newspaper article
The quotation below is a sentence from an AP article about J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series. It was written by Jill Lawless, a busy foreign correspondent whose editor should have intervened here, but didn't.
Just try reading this aloud.
Rowling (her name rhymes with bowling, rather than howling), looking relaxed in jeans and a sweater, shoulder-length blonde hair stylishly cut, has wildly mixed emotions at leaving behind the character she conjured up during a train journey across England in 1990: a neglected, bespectacled orphan who learns on his 11th birthday that he is a wizard.
If I were her editor, that long sentence would have been broken into two sentences. I would have slightly reworded it to get rid of two awkward phrases and an adjective that looks better than it sounds. The result would be something like this:
Rowling, whose name rhymes with bowling, looked relaxed in jeans and a sweater, shoulder-length blonde hair stylishly cut. She has wildly mixed emotions at leaving behind the character she conjured up during a 1990 train journey across England: a neglected orphan with spectacles who learns on his 11th birthday that he is a wizard.
Isaac says, "Well, Mom, your version's not as journalistic." Maybe not, but it's easier to read. He does have a point, though. I'm not a journalist. I'm just a woman with a blog.
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9 comments:
You aren't just a blogger. You are a writer. Writing is a craft. Its aim is clarity and communication. Thank you for practicing the craft of writing everyday.
You're right, Collagemama. So are you, by the way. Thanks for reminding me.
I vote for your version. You are one of best writers in blogland. I like your style - typically short and compact posts with great photos.
Runaway, I always am afraid that my posts ramble on and become far too long! As for photos -- I am REALLY HOPING to get my computer out of the shop tomorrow so I can post a photo again! I can't get photos to upload from this computer I've been using. I think it's just so slow, with an old modem and a dial-up connection, that it times out before it completes the upload.
Are you sure Jill's first language isn't German? The example sentence would be just right for Teutonic grammarians.
I know a cat that takes in editing, like ladies used to take in ironing.
You may be just a woman with a blog (although I don't believe that) but you write better than the foreign correspondent.
Genevieve, I thought I left a comment here a couple of days ago, but I guess it didn't take. Anyway, I agree: your revision is far better. The original tries to juggle too many unrelated elements. Do you think the writer tried hearing the original sentence in her head? I doubt it.
The reason I read YOU is because you are a GREAT writer! Your writing is clear, concise, interesting and uncluttered. (I used to work for a newspaper and bad writing drives me nuts)
Thanks for your comments, everyone.
PTG, you must have had some experience with German. I can say one thing about German after my own experience with it -- it was not as easy a language to pick up as Spanish was.
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